KFC's New Chicken Sandwich

by Mike “Snacks” Lunsford, GGR Editor-In-Chief

Last year when I wrote my review of the Popeyes Chicken Sandwich, there was an air of stumbling upon a thing of legend. People had fought over this sandwich. Popeyes called out Chick-Fil-A directly. It was a chicken sandwich turf war. Throughout all of this, Kentucky Fried Chicken had stayed out. I would say they were the Switzerland of the Chicken Sandwich Wars, but that’s implying KFC was somehow refusing to be involved in a direct confrontation and were doing nothing. No no, the kings of insane chicken creations had to have something up their sleeves, right? Fast food fans anxiously awaited their response.

In the past, KFC had created such culinary horrors of deliciousness like the Double Down: a bacon and cheese sandwich where the bread was two fried chicken patties. Or perhaps the Cheeto Chicken Sandwich was more your speed. That would be a fried chicken sandwich coated in cheetle and accompanied by Cheetos (yes, cheetle is the correct term for Cheeto cheese dust). Maybe your coronary arteries are not of a concern and you were a fan of the Fried Chicken Donut Sandwich. Or maybe you’re a purist and the Famous Bowl was your jam. Or as Patton Oswalt referred to it as “a failure pile in a sadness bowl.” Oh, and there’s a fucking KFC Gaming Console.

My point in this list is to prove to you that KFC didn’t give a fuck about anyone’s opinion in regards to what was a “good idea.” They were going to make weird, crazy, insane, delicious food. They would still continue their core business of fried chicken and fixins, but their “Jurassic Park Division” of creators were building a legacy of delicious obesity.

Somewhere I can hear Jeff Goldblum saying“Your taste scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.”

So when it was announced that Kentucky Fried Chicken was FINALLY going to have a response to this Chicken Sandwich War, it wasn’t unrealistic to expect people to proclaim the war over. There’s no way KFC wasn’t going to have something that would wow everyone. It would probably come with a VR headset, involve a quest with Colonel Sanders himself that involved both of you in Kentucky-Colonel-approved-white-armored-suits going back in time to the 70s to fight a giant, uranium-soaked, 40 ft tall Ray Kroc. After defeating Mecha McKroc, you would be awarded a Tri-Force Chicken Sandwich: a wisdom-infused chicken patty on a courageous salted pretzel bun with a powerful aioli sauce. It would unite the kingdoms. The war would be over. Chick-Fil-A could stop pretending their waffle fries were delicious, and Popeyes employees who never wanted to be there anyway could go home…Finally, we would have peace. And then Kentucky Fried Chicken released the sandwich in a few markets. Yours truly was lucky enough to try one. But I was surprised! KFC also has a new KFC Sauce and a new recipe for french fries! A three-fer! Hot damn!

“It’s gotta have like…a hallucinogen-infused mustard sauce or something that makes you see relatives who passed on before they could experience the Peacemaker Sandwich, right? Maybe they forgot to add that to mine! MAYBE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SIDE?”

Go ahead. Say it.

It looks like a Chick-Fil-A Sandwich with mayo

That’s because it tastes like a Chick-Fil-A Sandwich. I ordered mine without the plop of mayo because…I mean come on, no one needs that much mayo. The sandwich is touted as being “an extra crispy chicken filet placed on a buttered brioche bun and topped with pickles…” and it’s all of that, nothing more. BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THE BIGOT CHICKEN PLACE DOES TO THEIR CHICKEN! Where’s the KFC flair? Why would I want a copy of someone else’s sandwich? To go all Obi-Wan about this: KFC! YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DEFEAT CHICK-FIL-A IN THE CHICKEN SANDWICH WARS NOT IMITATE THEM!

To say I was disappointed is quite an understatement. If I wanted a Chick-Fil-A sandwich, I’d go wait in a ridiculously long line to support a company that is just now accepting that they shouldn’t donate to anti-LGBTQ charities, which I’m not doing. So, maybe there’s that aspect of it: you can get a Chick-Fil-A sandwich without actually going there and supporting their bullshit, but that doesn’t say much about KFC’s new sandwich.

There was a potential silver lining in all of this: they now have a new condiment specifically called KFC Sauce. Oh, this might be the secret to it all. Maybe I could put this on the sandwich and it would fix this experience.

How could a cartoon Colonel Harland Sanders lead me astray? The sauce was gonna be great! Maybe we’ll still have that VR adventure yet! I hear that Dave Thomas was zapped with gamma rays and his anger changes him….LET DO THIS COLONEL!

It didn’t. The sauce didn’t fix anything. It tasted like Chick-Fil-A sauce, one of the claims to fame of my hometown of Fredericksburg. In fact, everyone who lives here knows at least a dozen people who claim to have been working at the Chick-Fil-A in Fredericksburg where the sauce was invented. It’s a stupid thing to be proud of because the sauce is not that good. KFC Sauce is equally stupid. Swing and a miss. Strike 2, KFC. What are y’all thinking? Imitation is so beneath you and your legacy of “damn the torpedoes, let’s add bacon” attitude.

“But what about the french fries?” Yes, what about the french fries. They were the surprise winner of this experience. They’re crispy, light, and flavorful. They have the same spirit of the old potato wedges where they’re seasoned with the same secret spice blend that KFC is famous for, but not dry and flavorless on the inside. The french fries are a vast improvement over their previous potato side, and also the best part of the meal I had.

In the end, in spite of my hyperbolic jokes and tomfoolery, this experience was not maddening. Just disappointing. I didn’t need some insane combination of foods that don’t belong together to have KFC get my attention. The creation of the “Apocalypsewich” can remain in the theoretical phase. What I did want was something that tasted like Kentucky Fried Chicken. The crispy chicken patty tasted like an imitator, and that’s not a good thing. Perhaps there are people who will turn to KFC when Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sundays, or when the line is unfathomably long or they don’t want to support their shitty ideals. But in an already over-crowded fast food arms race, I want something that’s going to stand out. I wanted that iconic KFC flavor in sandwich form, not a knock-off. This was so beneath KFC it was disappointing.