Insane Predictions for the 2015 NFL Season: NFC Edition

It's that time of year again...it's not quite Fall so it's still stupid hot outside but the sun isn't rising at 3 a.m. any more. The kids are starting to go back to school so your commute to work has doubled. But none of that matters! Football is right around the corner! It's a great time to be alive!

After last years predictions, the crystal ball went on world tour and helped forensic investigators solve some outlandish crimes. The Hulk Hogan racist rant? Ol' Crystal cracked that case. It solved the long unsolved Black Dahlia murders (but it cheated, it just played L.A. Noire ) but is finally back to help us with our inane and INSANE NFL predictions! 

Pete Rogers already did the AFC, now GC Rodriguez gets to do the NFC!

 

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles

 Chip Kelly releases, cuts or trades every player that has ever done anything successful for the Eagles in the past. He signs only white players as replacements, some long retired: Jason Sehorn, Brian Urlacher, Ed McCaffrey, John Lynch to name a few. He talks to his old buddy Phil Knight who crafts some Nike Foamposite offensive lineman for the porous Philly O-Line.

"Oh you're white and good at football! I love you! And there's no way you could be a 'thug' or 'locker room distraction.' God bless you!"

New York Giants

Eli Manning is his regular doofy self and the Giants start off 0-3. All of a sudden, a la Fred Flintstone, Eli gets hit on the head (birds flying around his head and everything) and when Eli comes to, he’s smooth, sophisticated unflappable Elivante Manning and is nailing his receivers in stride in practice. Unfortunately, due to concussion rules in the NFL, Eli is not cleared by a medical professional and has to sit out. Jason Pierre Paul would say that Elivante is number 1 but….ooooh…too soon?

"No, my dad didn't buy this suit for me! SHUT UP! I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS!"

Dallas Cowboys

 Jerry Jones, always looking for a way to make “the big splash,” picks up free agent Ray Rice to help the never-been-healthy Darren McFadden.  Before the season opener, Ray decides to take a mini-vacation to Las Vegas. Rice ends up in an elevator at the Bellagio with Ronda Rousey. There’s an unexplained power outage and when the lights come back on, Rice is out cold. When asked what happened Rousey shrugs her shoulders and says “he fell.”

"I woke up with the worst headache, what happened Rhonda?"
"You slipped...you slipped real bad."

Washington 

The last time we predicted Washington’s season, we foolishly stated they would have to change their name and it would help them by building good will.  They would show the world that they’re not dirt bags. How silly of GGR to say something like that…the lawsuit Dan Snyder filed on a non-profit website has changed our minds and we think the name is great and not an insult to humans everywhere! The name is an honor! A rich white person has EVERY right to tell Native Americans what is and isn't racist! This year will be fantastic! Did you see the new party deck? Who needs all those extra seats anyway? RGIII looks…comfortable on the turf! 40 dollars to park in a gravel lot that is nearly a half mile from the stadium is a deal at twice the price!

You still look like a tool in that hoody and sport coat. (Whispers from lawyer) What? I can't say that either? Oh COME ON! Dan...you look dapper, as always. 

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons 

Even after repeated warnings and being docked a draft pick, the Falcons STILL pump in crowd noise. It’s much more noticeable this year because no one is at the games, people keep forgetting that they’re actually a team. But hang in there Falcons fans! Soon enough you’ll have an unnecessary new stadium that looks like a spyrograph –origami fueled nightmare.

Atlanta...you're building two new stadiums for teams that have won a combined 1 championship. Your whole state smells. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Jameis Winston is leading the Bucs to a surprisingly successful season when he is caught at a Publix with Lobsters in his pants. Everyone thinks that Winston is a kleptomaniac because he definitely has the money to pay for these shellfish! It turns out even worse than anyone could have predicted; he has a fetish for crustaceans. He sits out the second half of the season in therapy…both mental and physical. The physical being for all those lobster claw marks.

"Well...love hurts." OOOOOOOH SNAP!!! OMG 2-fer joke!!

New Orleans Saints

 Drew Brees takes 10 sacks in the season opener when there are obviously open receivers. After the game, the media asks Drew why he didn’t throw to any of his teammates and took such a physical beating. Brees responds “I just want my body destroyed like ownership destroyed my heart when they traded away my Jimmy.” Brees runs away from the press conference in tears and slams the door to his bedroom (inexplicably right next to the locker room). He tries to drown out his sobs by turning up his copy of Disintegration by the Cure, but everyone knows what's happening. 

"Don't ever take him for granted Russell...don't ever do it. *Sniff* Just be good to him."

Carolina Panthers

The Panthers get off to a rough start. Quarterback, Cam Newton starts getting angry and comes up with a plan to get the team fired up; Newton will fight everyone on the team, Mortal Kombat-style. Cam is so focused on firing up his team, he didn't realize they signed a new free agent, Hanzo "Scorpion" Hasashi. Cam thinks the name sounds familiar but can't place it. He is ready to continue "motivating," starting with the new guy until he hears "GET OVER HERE!" He tries to run, but it is too late.

I imagine the fight going something like this. Wait a second, where is Terrell Suggs' hand???????

NFC North

 

Detroit Lions

Detroit is still reeling from their playoff loss being mostly caused by a refereeing decision. They vow that it will never happen again. The come up with an automated robotic referee that will be the ultimate "tiebreaker." The Lions unveil this "electronic defender" or ED 209 as they call him, during week 3. It is immediately shut down as he viciously enforces the rules, riddling the defenseless body of Ed Hochuli with machine gun shells. It was a shock to see, but of no consequence; Hochuli cannot be killed by conventional weapons. 

Hochuli: He says he's got guns. Cute. 

Chicago Bears

Midway through the season, Jay Cutler, having another horrendous season, is out of solutions. John Fox, an avid fan of the MTV show Laguna Beach, which Cutler’s wife Kristin Cavallari starred in, starts talking trash about the show and in particular Kristin’s choices on the show. "Hey Jay, When Kristen showed up on The Hills, I can't believe she kissed Justin Bobby. What was she thinking?" This enrages Cutler (that and Fox replaces Cutler’s insulin with an insulin/anabolic steroid cocktail) and he goes on a tear to get the Bears into the playoffs. 

Coach Fox: "I thought she was friends with LC and Audrina! What kind of a person does that??"
Jay: "STOP IT!!!! LEAVE HER ALONE!!!! I'M SO MAD!!! Unusually mad...I wonder why...ehhh let's just throw a touchdown!"

Green Bay Packers

The Lambeau Field sound crew is getting ready for a crucial game against the hated Bears. That "doggone fancy CD player" eats the CD with all their in game music and sound effects (The one their nephew made them on their computer. "Burned it, he said. How can you burn it without ruining the record...I don't get this new technology." It's perpetually 1995 in Green Bay). They scramble and search every Wal-Mart for a copy of Jock Jams...but no one has sold those CD's since the 90's. The stadium is eerily quiet and the Packers lose to a 'roid fueled Cutler TD frenzy. 

"I don't know about all this pop music...that Ace of Base is pretty edgy. I hope they don't play that since they can't find 'Pump Up the Jam,' dontcha know."

Minnesota Vikings

The Vikings void the contract of Adrian Peterson after he proves that his suspension taught him nothing and that he has lost all sense of reality. Their proof is he is now selling  “How to Get Your Kids to Act Right” self-help tapes and Adrian Peterson custom-signed "whoop-ass" sticks. Every judge in this history of mankind sides with the Vikings.

"I'm Adrian Peterson and I'm completely bat-s*** crazy. I have no concept of what is appropriate and what isn't any more."

NFC West

 

San Francisco 49ers

After owner Jed York doesn't resign many important free agents, lets one of the best coaches since the Walsh/Siefert days go coach in college and turning the turf of The Big Pair of Jeans Stadium into piles of green mulch, the remaining Niners players who haven't been arrested or retired, hire Scooby Doo and the Gang to investigate the monster that owns their team. After a spirited musical chase scene, Shaggy and Scoob take off a rubber mask to reveal...Jed York. He really is their owner and he's just a horrible owner who looks like he's 14 years old. 

"My uncle said no one would notice! I would have gotten away with it, too if it hadn't been for that snooping Vernon Davis and Torrey Smith!"

Seattle Seahawks

Jimmy Graham is trying to adjust to the new atmosphere in Seattle. After a Marshawn Lynch touchdown, the fans throw Skittles on the field. Graham thinks it's perfectly fine to pick some up and eat them as a mid-game snack. Lynch goes full "Beast Mode" and attacks Graham. The game is put on hold as the two duke it out in an epic 20 minute fight many compare to the Roddy Piper/ Keith David fight from They Live. Both players are suspended for the remainder of the year but win the WWE Tag Team Championship in their down time. 

Jimmy: Let me have some Skittles!
Marshawn: YOU DIRTY MOTHER......

Arizona Cardinals

Carson Palmer gets hurt and Bruce Arians makes a tough decion…and chooses the jug machine attached to a skateboard over Ryan Linley or Drew Stanton.

Pantheon of great Cardinals QBs: Jake Plummer, Kurt Warner, Jug Machine on a skateboard.

St Louis Rams

Jeff Fisher, in one of the balliest moves ever by a head coach, trades for RGIII. Does he need him? No, Nick Foles is having a wonderful year.  When asked why he did this, he said “I felt bad. I wanted Washington to get something good from that trade, so I took RGIII off their hands.”

"I want to win, but I have a conscience...those poor Washington fans."