Insane Predictions for the 2014 NFL Season
Insane Predictions for the 2014 NFL Season
by G.C. Rodriguez
Some websites have professionally trained experts to predict the NFL Season, others have former coaches or players. GGR has a special prognosticator who can see the future for some of the NFL teams. A cautionary tale to many an NFL fan of what to expect this football season, beware!
Scrooge: Answer me one more question. Are these the shadows of things that *will* be, or are they the shadows of things that *may* be only? These events can be changed! A life can be made right!
Spirit: Except the Cowboys, they can not be made right.
- Brian Hoyer shocks the league and has the Browns on course for a winning season when he blows out his knee again, unfortunately. His backup, the highly touted Johnny Manziel sets a new NFL record and is fined exactly the amount he would have received from his paychecks. With his endorsement deals, Manziel still makes 5 million in 2014. The Browns lose every game he starts, but Manziel sure is exciting!
"Running for your life has always proven to be a great way to win games!"
- The Buffalo Bills move to Toronto at the behest of new owner, John Bon Jovi. When angry Bills fans demand the head of Bon Jovi, his song “Dead or Alive” hits #1 in the Buffalo area.
Admittedly, this is the wrong "Buffalo Bill" but you gotta admit, it does kinda look like Bon Jovi...in a much more frightening context.
- The Washington Redskins will start the season 0-4 but will be forced to change their name mid-season. They manage to rattle off 12 straight wins because of the new name. All the people who were opposed to changing it because of “tradition” go out and buy new Washington memorabilia and pretend they were for the name change all along.
"As long as we're not named the Wizards, I think we'll be alright!"
- The San Francisco 49ers will set a new record in embarrassing fashion: All 52 players on their team will be arrested at some point this year. Jim Harbaugh will be the first coach in the modern era to put on a helmet and quarterback his team.
"This is the last game before I turn myself in for that Ponzi Scheme Joe Montana and I set up."
- The Denver Broncos will continue a disturbing trend of their normally straight laced players being suspended for illegal drug use: Peyton Manning will receive a 4 game suspension at the end of the year for doing ‘shrooms at Burning Man.
"I want to apologize to my family, my friends, and all the fans...but I was totally tripping balls."
- The Pittsburgh Steelers, desperate for a turn-around after a 2-5 start to the season, beg Ben Rothlisburger to go back to his dirt bag ways and he harasses a waitress at an Eat n Park. He is suspended for the remainder of the season as well as Mike Tomlin for his part in the plan.
"So you're saying just like...smack her on the butt, wink at her, and call her 'sweet cheeks,' coach?"
"It'll save our season, put you back in top form."
"There's no way this could backfire. Let's do it!"
- Pete Carroll, coach of the Seahawks, is embroiled in controversy and the NFL levies a stiff fine to the team and loss of draft picks, which Carroll dodges by returning to college football to coach the University of Miami.
"Listen, Russell...some stuff that I pretended I didn't know about just bit me in the butt so I gotta jet. You'll be fine. Good luck!"
- The Green Bay Packers new in-stadium sandwich, the Horse Collar Kielbasa covered in beer cheese sauce and fried sauerkraut, breaks new attendance records…at the nearest hospital to Lambeau Field as the Packers have a record number of fans who have massive heart attacks after eating it.
mmmmmmm....angioplasty.
- After scoring his first touchdown of the year Jimmy Graham dunks over the goal post. Drew Brees rushes to stop him to keep the team from being penalized but the goal posts come crashing down on him, ending his season.
Jaguars Mascot: "NO!! RESPECT THE GAME, JIMMY! The Pro Bowl is already a joke!"
- The Oakland Raiders, frustrated with their current stadium deal, move to Los Angeles in the middle of the night. After an embarrassing week 6 loss, they pack up shop and move to San Antonio. After another string of losses, they move to Mexico where they change their name to the Banditos. Their new stadium in Mexico is sponsored by Fritos.
"Now that Washington is changing their name, I'm the most racist stereotype in the NFL! Al Davis left a lasting impression!"
- Jerry Jones, desperate to distract fans from another mediocre Cowboys season, continues the trend of signing high profile, low level players. He signs Plaxico Burress to the team. This has an amazing outcome as Plax catches a game winning touchdown. In a bit of self-deprecating humor, Plaxico celebrates by shooting imaginary pistols in the air, then holstering them. He misses the rest of the season with an inexplicable imaginary gunshot wound to the leg.
"You're trying to tell me that we're going 8-8 again?"
- The Baltimore Ravens win their first 7 games and, for good luck, Joe Flacco doesn’t shave. The gross mustache he grows disgusts the fans and no one shows up to the rest of their games. They’re the first team to have all of their remaining home games blacked out.
"I tell you what man...two chicks at the same time."
- The Philadelphia Eagles are wrapped up in a multi-million dollar lawsuit when Chip Kelly uses a picture of Taylor Swift as a symbol for a defensive scheme (“I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22” means 2 deep coverage). When she plays the Wells Fargo Center in November, Taylor Swift is pelted with Cheesesteaks.
"It seemed cute, I don't know why she got so upset. It's not like defense was called silly blonde country singer 4 man front."
- The Miami Dolphins mascot, Flipper, is kidnapped. The country is flabbergasted but a few people point out this is very similar to the plot of “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.” After a thorough investigation, it turns out the Dolphins staged the whole thing in an attempt to be relevant again.
"hahahaha, I loved it when he talked with his rear human blowhole!"
- The New York Jets will hire a new kicker off the street who manages to win them 4 games in a row on last second field goals. He uses an old style of kicking: barefoot. Ready to win the division, their new kicker lines up for the game winning field goal, but Rex Ryan can’t control himself and runs onto the field and licks the kicker’s foot, costing the team 15 yards. The new kicker is too frightened and grossed out to focus and shanks the kick.
"such....beautiful...strong...feet..."
- Jim Irsay, owner of the Indianapolis Colts, distraught over his 6 game suspension, ends up in a high-stakes poker game at a Native American Casino. He bets his stake in the Colts and loses to a mysterious poker player. When he awakes the next morning, he rushes to Lucas Oil Field in hopes to strike a deal with the new owners. He sees Mayflower moving trucks peeling out as he gets there and a note left on the jumbotron that says “Payback is a b-, isn’t it Jim? Baltimore sends their best. Love the LOS ANGELES Colts.”
Baltimore never holds a grudge.
- The New England Patriots, who have become bored with simply winning games in a traditional sense, start trying to one-up each other with the best "walk off" poses.
"Oh, hey cameraman. Don't you love this autumn weather?"