What Not to Watch: Eat You Alive

by Andy Bartsch, GGR alum

Confession time: I enjoy Limp Bizkit’s music. While, admittedly, the majority of the music hasn’t aged well and they are a go-to punchline (a la Deadpool), I still maintain to this day that their fourth album, Results May Vary, has some fantastic songs on it. Despite how they’re viewed now, there’s no denying their popularity in the late 90s-early 2000s, as they did the theme song for Mission Impossible 2, and their lead singer Fred Durst appearing is several video games (the strangest probably being the Fight Club).

One of the opening tracks from Results May Vary is a song is “Eat You Alive”, a song about a blue collar worker who obsesses over a high class woman and his emotional state is on the thin line between love and lust.  The song on its own is pretty good with it's heavy guitar riffs and Durst’s trademark “screamo-to-singing” voice. The video on the other hand, is something else entirely.

If Beavis and Butt-head and MST3K did a riff on this video, it would be nothing short of hilarious. First of all, the “extended” version is only 30 second longer than the regular video. Durst drives an old beat up pickup truck into the middle of woods and exits, hooting and hollering at his boys while revealing his oversized, baggy cargo shorts and a dirty as hell wife beater.  He joins the rest of his band in an open area, where their instruments are hooked up to a generator. From a POV shot, Durst removes a blindfold from over our head and begins to play.

Fred dances around, trying desperately to keep his cargos from dropping. It’s revealed the girl they’re playing for is none other than Thora Birch, who somehow puts more of an effort into her performance here than in Dungeons & Dragons. Her hair is clean and her face made up, and she sports a clean white dress. All in all, she looks pretty good for a kidnapping victim, but is probably meant to visualize the contrast between her and the dirty wife beater wearing Durst.  Fred starts to scream the lyrics into her face using a dented megaphone. You know Fred, they have amps hooked up to a generator. You could’ve hooked up a microphone, too.

Suddenly we see a mob somewhere else in the woods, armed with flashlights and hound dogs, presumably searching for Birch. The mob is being lead by none other than the late great BILL FUCKING PAXTON, who while being muted by the music, orders his men to, “search in that direction over there! You two, go look over there! Where’s my weapon?” His buddy tosses him a wooden axe handle. Not an axe with a wooden handle. A HANDLE! A curvy wooden stick! But you can bet Paxton catches that stick with AUTHORITY!

Back to the Limpin’ of the Bizkit. Birch is clearly disgusted with her captors, but all that changes when Durst turns on a bunch of white Christmas lights, singing in a softer voice, “I just wanna look at you…” Because screaming in her face with a megaphone hasn’t worked so well. But one look at those 20 watt bulbs and you can bet Miss Thora is instantly charmed.

Suddenly flashlights can be seen in the distance. Bizkit notices but continues to sing anyway. Birch tells them to run. They do so and, despite abandoning their instruments and Fred’s mouth isn’t moving, the song continues. Birch smiles as they depart.

Paxton enters, still shouting muted orders. “You look over there! Those Bizkit boys aren’t getting away this time!” He approaches Birch, who seems to be in a romantic trance. Bill is not the least bit happy. Those clever monsters! Bill takes note of the Christmas lights and looks back at Birch, who’s clearly smitten. Bill angrily strikes the lights with his stick. “Dammit! Christmas lights! Her one weakness! Those Bizkits outsmarted me AGAIN!”

The video cuts to Durst running away in the dark, and it simply fades to black. I assumed the extended version would show them getting caught, or some sort of epilogue, but no, that’s it! They escape to kidnap and Stockholm another day!

So yeah, if only Beavis and Butt-head was still on in 2003, this would’ve been ripe for their hilarious commentary. “Huh huh huh Fred’s so poor he can’t afford a belt.” “Heh heh yeah that’s why he wants to date a rich chick. He wants her to buy him some suspenders heh heh.”