Editorial: The Sacred Dinner Table
by Mariah Beachboard, GGR Contributor
One of my favorite writers is Ijeoma Oluo. She’s a magnificent author, speaker, and makeup artist. She occasionally writes Facebook posts about her fascinating interactions with people from her perspective as a bi-racial woman with ADHD. I love her fearless honesty.
(From https://www.facebook.com/ijeoma.oluo Bolded emphasis is mine.)
One day, she posted about why she no longer participates in Binders (an internet group for women and non-gender conforming peeps based on Romney’s stupid comment about women). In her post, she copied the most bizarre parenting anecdote I’ve ever read, from an unnamed woman who is caught in her own parenting lies. Here’s a piece of it:
“It’s still 2008 in my home. That is, my 6-year-old son assumes Obama is president….he has no idea Trump exists – which is a deliberate parenting choice I made that spun a little out of control over the past four years….In 2016, I deliberately shifted the way my family consumes information….keeping headlines far from the eyes of my curious son….I thought the election was a mistake that would soon be corrected, and I’d never have to tell my child about Trump until much later -but that didn’t happen. At some point, my lie of omission became something I couldn’t resolve, which is why I continued it. And in a way, it’s been nice. All of the noise and tweets and scandals don’t exist in my house. It feels like I have some control in a chaotic world.”
Most of us would think that woman is crazy, right? I mean, she works harder to keep the lie going, then if she just taught her kid how to face an uncertain future. Seriously, what do they talk about at the dinner table??
Let’s be honest, though. Many parents, like the unnamed woman, are practicing some form of avoidance, especially white parents (Families of color don’t have the luxury of hiding their heads in the sand). And it’s not just about politics; it’s about every unpleasant current event.
I’ve seen this play out repeatedly. Many white parents are squashing their teens’ efforts to work out what is happening in their world. Here’s their subconscious reasoning:
COVID is too painful to talk about. Politics are taboo, even during election season. George Floyd’s murder is too unpleasant to discuss. If we acknowledge racism, we can only talk about it when it’s convenient. And only convenient thoughts are allowed to be voiced by children, especially at the Sacred Dinner Table.
This trend reminds me of the 1950 social propaganda movie A Date with Your Family. In this film we see an upper middle class white family prepare for and have dinner with each other. The main theme is to keep the nightly dinner as peaceful as possible.
We hear a narrator explain:
“They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. I said ‘pleasantly’ for that is the key note at dinner time. It is not only good manners, but good sense. Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion.”
“Good gracious, Sally! Black pepper on the chicken and speaking of a bi-racial couples? A little too spicy, don't you think?”
This culture of fake “peace” has proliferated for generations, leaving us with the white practice of avoiding really important topics. For many Americans, we only come together as a family at dinner time. So when can our children ask about unpleasant current events, if not at dinner?
At bedtime? Surely not, because that is when we have to coerce them into falling asleep.
In the morning when we’re rushing out the door? How dare they!
As soon as they’re confronted with reality and current events? Not if parents are at work and the kids are at school.
If the only time the family has real conversation is at dinner, then white parents need to have the courage to broach tough conversations at dinner; OR promise to set aside time directly after dinner to discuss.
There is a real need for this familial evolution. The custom of pleasant avoidance is everywhere, especially in families with teenagers. Believe me when I say your teens have opinions, concerns, and thoughts. If you don’t hear them out, then they’ll hide their ideas from you, and share them with someone else.
So what keeps you from engaging? Are you afraid to talk to your kids about these awful current events? Is it because you don’t want to feel uncomfortable? But you see, it’s not about you. It’s about your teens. They are terrified! They see racial protests on Tik-Tok. They see Black people murdered by persons in authority. They navigate constant changes in school structure. COVID feels to them like a steel cage whose walls are creeping closer and closer, and many white kids have no idea how to relate to children of other colors.
Listen, you don’t have to have the answers to their questions. Most of us are still wading through skewed news programs pushing a single agenda. All you have to do is let them voice their questions and feelings. Teach them how to discuss, evaluate, disagree, and even how to admit you’re at a loss. Teach them that it’s okay to say “I don’t know” and “I feel sad,” and “Let’s figure this out together.”
This kind of open and honest communication will do wonders to alleviate your kids’ loneliness, and yours. Give up worrying about whether you are a perfect parent, or whether or not a topic is going to be scary. Just show up and be human. They need you. But don't talk to your kids if you'll tell them that George Floyd wasn't murdered or COVID is a lie. Or that masks are for the weak. Or that gays are going to Hell. (Here in the Deep South, these lies fly so easily out of so many mouths.) Let your kids discover the truth for themselves through writers like Oluo. Just know, your Sacred Table will end up empty...but at least you'll have your precious fake "peace."
And so, as I write this at the end of 2020, I pray white parents seek out wisdom that is widely available from people like Ijeoma Oluo. I pray they don’t put their heads in the sand, and that they prepare their children to face the real world. Our nation needs ALL of the next generation to stand up.