A Message to Uwe Boll

You have no idea how hard it was trying to find a pic of Boll WITHOUT him showing us all his middle finger!

By Andy Bartsch

This is my response to the short rant by Uwe Boll. His video can be seen here (NSFW language): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VT1J65KHX8E

For those of you who don't know who Uwe Boll is, I'll give you the rundown. Boll is a German film maker who usually makes films based on video games. His credits include House of the Dead, Far Cry, and the Bloodrayne films. These films are made very quickly with a small budget but make a huge profit. The way he makes his money back is through a loophole in German tax laws, so if the movie bombs, he still makes a profit. However, the general feedback he gets back from film fans and critics is usually very negative. But, instead of taking criticism like an adult and using that feedback to make his next film better, he responds by challenging critics to boxing matches. Very mature of you. Well apparently, in 2009, that very tax loophole that was making him a profit has been abolished, and Boll has been attempting to fund his films though crow funding sites like Kickstarter. The results have not been great, for as I write this article (three days until the funding ends), he is coming up roughly $30,000 shy of his goal and he is not happy about it.

I'm not going to repeat what he said in the video, this is just me responding and letting loose what's on my mind. And keep in mind folks, I'm the guy who wrote an article about how entertaining bad movies can be. I've seen a handful of Boll's films, and I am not the least bit impressed. For all the jokes made at Tommy Wiseau's expense about The Room or the amateur film making of Manos: The Hands of Fate, those films were made with a passion from people who want to tell a story. Boll is just trying to collect a paycheck. Yes, people, you read that right. Tommy Wiseau > Uwe Boll.

The following is addressed to Uwe Boll himself, regardless if he ever reads this or not.

Dear Uwe Boll,

You have quite a lot of balls telling the people who don't want to fund your movies to go f*ck themselves. Mr. Boll, have you not seen your own movies? The fact that you raised that much in crowdfunding ($25,046 as I write this) is astonishing to me. The fact that you're so upset that you made that much is not only astonishing, but insulting! If you were really a talented filmmaker, you would take the funds you have and actually make something good with the limited budget you have!

Yes, Mr.Boll, I'm usually not one to tell someone they shouldn't be doing their job, but I just told you that you have no talent in the field of film making. I feel if someone has the means and the drive and the resources and it's not hurting anyone, a person should be allowed to do whatever they want. But, Uwe, I've seen your films and I see no drive, no passion, no real story to tell, just a man abusing the German tax laws to make a profit. I could be wrong, after all, there must be some passion there if you're willing to challenge a professional film critic to a boxing match just for GIVING THEIR OWN HONEST OPINION!

Let me give you some advice about story telling, Uwe. Let's take your film, House of the Dead, for example (a film I did, repeat, DID pay good money to see) . If you're going to start the movie at the end, you don't spoil it for everyone BY TELLING US THAT EVERY CHARACTER IS DEAD!

Let me tell you a little something about myself, Uwe. In 2010, I self published my own comic book. It had been my life long dream to make comic books as a career, and I was finally making one. It took me over $400 of my own hard earned cash, which with America's economy, is a risky move to make on a part time job. The asking price for the comic was two dollars. A BARGAIN compared to the usual $3.99 of most current books. I had 300 copies of this book made. I made only $50. I was hurt, I was distraught. I didn't think I'd ever try drawing again. I felt bad for a long time. For about a year, actually. But you know what I did? I took the criticism people gave me and learned what needed fixed for the next time I try it. Know what I DID NOT do? BEAT UP THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T LIKE IT! Grown adults who work professionally in any industry do NOT do that; That's something an 8 year old child does when some other kid says Spider-man is lame.

In 2008, there was a petition with over 100,000 signature asking you to quite making films. I did not, repeat, DID NOT sign that petition. I don't want you to stop making films, Mr. Boll, I really don't. But when all you do is make trash after trash after trash, and you're all butt hurt when hard working people don't want to give you their hard earned money to fund something that might be trash, you don't have the right to publicly tell us all to go f*ck ourselves. Then on top of that, you add you have enough money to "play golf until I'm dead"? After b*tching about not getting enough money to film a movie that will most likely be garbage? No, Uwe Boll, you go f*ck YOURSELF!

Sincerely,

Andy Bartsch and fans of good movies everywhere