The Return of Mystery Science Theater 3000
Thanks to a very successful crowd funding campaign, Mystery Science Theater 3000 is returning to the small screen for a full fourteen episode season, Fans are already wondering what kinds of films Crow, Tom Servo, and their new host, Jonah Ray, are going to riff. Well, as much as I’m sure you’d like to see them take on big budget “blockbusters” like Wild Wild West and Batman & Robin, you can pretty much rule those out thanks to how much the gang on the Satellite of Love would have to pay to riff them. Show creator Joel Hodgson has already stated that their main target films will be the forgotten flops of the 70s and the 80s. So being GGR’s resident bad movie expert, I’m giving my suggestions for films that desperately need riffing by the Gizmonics crew.
The Dirt Bike Kid
Remember little Ralphie from A Christmas Story? Ever wonder why you never saw him in more films? Well, it’s probably because he kept acting in movies like this (that and he ended up becoming a pretty successful producer). Peter Billingsly plays Jack Simmons, a twelve year old boy who comes in possession of a magic dirt bike with a mind of it’s own. Together, Jack and the bike go on adventures against a motorcycle gang, outrun the same cop multiple times, save his favorite hot dog stand from being demolished, and there’s even a few scenes where the bike flies! If that doesn’t make it perfect for MST3K riffing, I don’t know what does!
The Return of Swamp Thing
The sequel to Wes Craven’s adaption of the DC Comic, The Return of Swamp Thing is a much campier and over-the-top follow-up to the much darker original film. Directed by B-movie master Jim Wynorski, this movie has a ton of great monster effects, memorable characters, and cheesy dialog. I love this movie. The only way it could be better is with Tom and Crow’s hilarious commentary.
The Guyver
Much like Return of Swamp Thing, The Guyver is another movie with amazing creature effects, but... that’s it. Okay, I lied. Mark Hamill stars as Detective Max Reed, and of course, doesn’t half-ass anything in this movie, and Reanimator’s David Gale’s performance is so much fun to watch. Unfortunately, it’s a bit painful to watch. As a hardcore Guyver fan (there are only a few, we must rise up!) the filmmakers didn’t take advantage of the original story the film’s based on and instead turned it into a comedy. Want to know how ridiculous the movie is? Jimmy Walker plays a guy who turns into a rapping, giant lipped monster with a ton of gold chains around his neck. That alone deserves some sort of poetic justice.
The Amazing Spider-man
“The 2012 film starring Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone? But Andy, that’s a pretty good movie! And you look like you’ve lost weight!” NO! Not the Mark Webb movie of the same name. The Amazing Spider-man is a feature-length television pilot starring Nicholas Hammond from the late seventies. The series only lasted a year and Stan Lee has pretty much gone on record by saying it’s garbage. So the Japanese Spider-man show with the giant robots and Spider-mobile is okay but this isn’t? That can’t be good...
Death Bed: The Bed That Eats
What? The title isn’t enough? A movie about a bed that eats people sounds like a forgotten B-movie from the 80s, but it’s actually an art film from the early 70s! So instead of a bed roaming the streets chomping on pedestrians, we a bed that stays absolutely stationary until someone comes across it! The film is only seventy minutes long and might need some to be edited for television (no kidding, there’s a scene where bed faps), so expect a nice short with this episode.
Chopping Mall
When I first hear of Chopping Mall, I thought to myself, “Oh, awesome! A slasher movie that takes place in a mall! That has to be a classic!” Well, it DOES take place in a mall, but there’s not so much chopping as there is laser blasting. Yep, the killer (or killers in this case) is a trio of Johnny 5 wannabes knocking off some teens who party in the mall overnight. These inbred cousins of the Daleks fire laser blasts from their eyes, exploding the head of a pretty blonde woman. Another Jim Wynorski classic.
Adventures in Dinosaur City
Remember that show Dinosaurs? You know, with the amazing animatronics by Jim Henson’s Creature Shop, and the brilliant writing with insightful social commentary? Well, what if you took that show, got rid of everything that made it great, stuck the kid from Hocus Pocus in it, and turned it into a full length movie? You’d get this garbage.
Are you glad MST3K is back? What movies do you hope the crew on the Satellite of Love riff? Let us know in the comments below and be sure to like us on Facebook and subscribe to our new YouTube channel! Share this article with you buddies on your favorite social media sites and check out these great products from our friends at Amazon.com!
